They don’t want to take responsibility for anything they do.
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Narcissists have several tricks up their sleeves to keep from having to take accountability for their actions, (or lack of). One very effective trick they use to keep you confused, is word salad. Similar to a salad that you eat, filled with many different types of vegetables, in conversation with a narcissist, word salad pretty much means that they will take a jumble of different statements, that don’t necessarily have anything to do with each other, and throw them at you in an argument. It looks like this:
You: “I was mad that you came home at 2:00 a.m. this morning.”
Narcissist: “What are you talking about? I got home at 12:30! This is just like you. Remember that time you were late meeting me for the basketball game? You got the time wrong and showed up 20 minutes late. Then you yelled at me for not getting you something to eat. I can’t stand when you act ‘holier than thou’, like you never make mistakes. Remember when you put a red sock in with all of my white laundry? See what I’m saying. You’re just making stuff up to make me look bad.”
After this conversation, you’re left thinking, What are you even talking about? How did we go from talking about you being late, to the laundry?
You’re so confused, that you let the original argument go. You may even start defending yourself for something you are being accused of. Now, the narcissist doesn’t have to take accountability for being late, and you are mad, but you are no longer sure which part you are madder about.
The conversation gets so jumbled and out of control, that you just walk away. That’s exactly what the narcissist wants. They don’t have to take accountability, and you left them alone. Bonus!
There are a few tell-tale signs that you’ve just been bombarded with word salad during an argument.
- You are confused – How did this argument take a turn to a subject not even related to the original incident? (You brought up a text from a woman on their phone, and now you are arguing about who cleaned the kitchen after dinner.)
- You end up defending yourself – Like in the example above, word salad is often an attempt to get the focus off of them and onto you. This blame shifting by the narcissist is often thrown in to the word salad, adding to your confusion.
- You find yourself trying to find better ways to explain why what they did was wrong – If you just use the right words, they will get it. You end up explaining the basics of decent human behavior. This is an adult, and they shouldn’t need an explanation about how to get along with others.
- They never apologize, but you do – You brought up the fact that they came home at a crazy hour, hoping they will explain themselves and apologize, but you end up apologizing for being late to the basketball game that one time, years ago. They play the victim and you are the bad guy. You end up thinking, why am I the one apologizing?
- You give up bringing up incidents – Every time you bring something up that they did or didn’t do, you end up confused and more upset. It becomes not even worth it to bring up these incidents anymore. You resolve yourself to living with a relationship that is one-sided.
The narcissist has an agenda. They will confuse you, never take accountability for what they did wrong, and eventually, you will stop bringing up incidents. It becomes too painful for you, because they end up hurtling accusations at you, making you feel bad for mistakes you’ve made in the past (we’re all human), or misunderstandings they had about you (accusing you of cheating, or lying), and you feel drained and exhausted.
They are conditioning you to leave them alone. If it becomes too frustrating or painful to confront them, you will stop. That’s exactly what they want. Now, they can do whatever they desire, and you will sit back and take it.
Don’t feel bad about yourself for giving in, or trying harder. You were purposely manipulated. It happens to many strong, intelligent people. Usually, the people that get into relationships with narcissists are very loyal, kind, and conscientious, which are very wonderful qualities, but a narcissist knows how to take advantage of those qualities.
How can you protect yourself from getting caught up in the word salad of a narcissist?
- Don’t defend yourself. Keep repeating the original topic like a broken record. “We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about how you came in at 2:00 am.” “We’re not talking about the laundry. We’re talking about how you came in at 2:00 am.”
- Stay calm and keep emotions under control. Realize this is not about anything you did wrong. When you lose your temper, or cry, they get the emotional supply they need from you.
- Don’t explain basic human behavior. Have an expectation that they know what they did wrong. You are not their parent.
- Have healthy boundaries. “I will not discuss a mistake I made in the past. If you don’t want to discuss where you were last night, I will go stay at my friend’s house.”
You have a right to a healthy, mutual relationship. If you can’t bring up hurtful incidents because of the narcissistic tactic of word salad, it is time to get some support for yourself. A narcissistic person will not change, no matter how well you explain yourself, and no matter how much they see you hurting. They will never be accountable for their actions. You will need other trusted people in your life to fill the needs of understanding, honesty, and empathy.
Find a trusted friend, a family member, a therapist or a coach who understands what it’s like to be with a narcissistic person.
