Are you under their spell, feeling incompetent with money?
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Narcissists have some shocking ways to use money as a way of controlling you. Usually it’s because we are honest, trustworthy people, and we don’t expect the person we love to use money as a weapon.
I came across a TikTok by Rosanna Faye the other day. In it, she acted as the narcissist and the victim having a conversation about a Starbucks drink. The narcissist said something like, “Oh I see you got another Starbucks drink.”, with their eyes slightly squinted and chin tipped up. The victim nervously says, “Oh, yeah, it was free with my points.” To which the narcissist replies, “How many drinks did you have to buy to get that free one?” The victim says, “Oh, I’m not sure how their point system works.” Of course, the narcissist went on to say some derogatory phrases, but that conversation brought up a cold memory.
My partner didn’t ever curse at me, or call me names, but I could feel the criticism and judgment in his tone when he would ask me about purchases.
It’s hard to explain to outsiders, but if you’ve been in a relationship like this, you know what I’m talking about. A bit of terror would go through you, that you were about to get into a long, circular, raging conversation, where you can’t defend yourself. Nothing you say will be heard, or listened to.
Here are some of the sneaky, abusive tactics narcissists use around money:
- Making subtle jabs about your spending – If you were to describe these subtle jabs to someone who hasn’t been in a narcissistic relationship, they might say, “So what?”, but you know that it’s a feeling more than anything. It’s a judgment of you making a decision to do something on your own, without consulting them. They want control over every dime you spend. “How much do you think it cost you to drive to that other store for a discount on that sweater?” This is said with eyes slightly squinted, and a smirk of contempt. “Isn’t that a little expensive for a pair of jeans? Did you even shop around?”
- Scrutinizing receipts – They grab the grocery store receipt as soon as you walk in the door. “Did you really spend $7 on grapes?” “Why did you buy milk again? We have half a carton still.” “You spent $200 on groceries?! There isn’t even a meal in here!”
- Taking over the finances to “help” you – They tell you they want to help you out. You are struggling with enough money to pay bills, or you have so much else on your plate with running the household, preparing meals, and taking care of the kids. The narcissist offers to take this one chore off your plate. It feels amazing at first, you can breathe a sigh of relief that you don’t have to worry about having enough money for all the bills, or enough time to deal with finances. It’s great, until they start telling you that you can’t afford clothes for yourself, or you can’t go on that trip with your friends because there’s not enough money. Meanwhile, they are spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol, hobbies, entertainment, etc.
- Sabotaging your career – This happens in such sneaky ways, like promising to fix your car themselves to save money, and then never fixing it, or not helping with the kid’s drop-off at school, so you’re late every day. They talk you into being a stay-at-home parent, so you lose your salary, and any promotions you might have gotten over the years. Or, if you chose to be a stay-at-home parent, they respond to your requests for money, by saying, “You’re the one who wanted to stay home.”
- Losing their job over and over – Narcissists may use this tactic when they want you to be the provider. (Maybe they are not even employable because of their job performance.) You have to keep working a job you hate because otherwise the bills won’t get paid. You may also still be in charge of figuring out childcare, going grocery shopping, and preparing meals, plus all the other household chores.
- Creating so much debt – They create so much debt that you can never seem to reach financial goals of saving or investing. Maybe they own their own business that you have to help rescue periodically, or they don’t pay their taxes properly. Perhaps they run up credit cards with expensive hobbies, or being their grandiose self, purchasing unnecessary designer items. They always need “the best” TV, sound system, shoes, cars, appliances, the list goes on.
- Hiding money – The narcissist is putting money away in investments, savings accounts, and other ventures that you know nothing about. You don’t know the accounts they use, the passwords to those accounts, or that they even exist. It’s so easy to hide money online. No statements or information comes in the mail to alert you.
Financial control affects you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When a narcissist controls you with money, it lowers your self-esteem. You feel like you are not competent enough to take care of expenses, or pay bills properly. It causes you to feel shame or guilt when you are accused of over-spending.
Eventually, financial control can cause anxiety, depression, and health concerns due to elevated cortisol. Things like high blood pressure, IBS, joint pain, back pain, weight gain, or loss, and many more health issues are caused by high stress levels.
Your quality of life can be affected, because you are constantly in fear of not being able to pay your bills on time, make needed home repairs, or enjoy pleasures in life that come from shared experiences, like vacations, and fun activities in your hometown, or visits with friends and family.
If debt is an issue, you will have a lower credit score, affecting your ability to rent or purchase cars and homes in the future. You have a lowered sense of security and safety when you don’t have the ability to financially care for your family.
This is one of the reasons many partners feel stuck in a narcissistic relationship. You have a fear of not being able to make it on your own, financially.
Now that you know the shocking ways narcissist’s control you with money, you need to know how you can protect yourself from financial ruin.
First, don’t let someone else have access to all of your money. You can share a bank account to pay bills, and put money aside for vacations, home improvements or the kid’s things, but have an account that is just for you. Put that money in a high yield savings account if possible. You can earn more money on it as it sits. Many online high yield savings accounts help you earn 4.5% a month, or more on your money. (I realize I just told you narcissists use secret accounts as a way to control money, but they do it for manipulative purposes, you are doing it as a way to protect yourself from financial devastation.)
Don’t have your name on credit cards you can’t afford to pay off yourself. In a divorce situation, the judge usually assigns any credit card debt in your name, to you. One of my exes was in sales and would make large bonus checks that he would use to pay off any credit card balances. He would tell me, “Just put it on the credit card”, when I took the kids to the doctor, or bought them clothes and school supplies. It was great while we were married, but when we divorced, I was stuck with that large credit card bill, and no bonus to pay it off with.
Pay off your debt and have money put aside in savings. Set up automatic payments for any debt, making sure you pay at least a little more than the minimum each month. If you pay the minimum, all of that money goes toward the interest.
Also, set up automatic deposits into your savings, even if it is only a small amount each month. I have set up my account with SoFi. I chose this one because I learned about it from another creator. My son said his friend uses SoFi, and I trust him. He is doing very well financially! You can use my link and get up to 4.60% APY with no account fees. Use my link to sign up and you’ll get a $25 bonus and up to $300 when you set up direct deposit. You don’t have to use that one, though, there are many other online banks with high yield savings accounts.
If you are interested in learning more about saving and investing, here are a few more resources. A friend told me about dowjanes.com. It’s an online resource for women wanting to learn about finances. They start from the very basics.
I also like, yourrichbff.com, with Vivian Tu. She shares bite size, relatable information.
For money mindset, I love the books, Happy Pocket Full of Money, by David Cameron Gikandi, and The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace D. Wattles (free on Kindle Unlimited). I have so many more, because I try to read money mindset books often, but I’ll leave it at these two for now.
The other thing that can save you from financial hardship is to make more money. It’s easier than ever before, with affiliate programs, remote jobs, and online platforms.
Multi-level marketing companies get a bad rap, but there’s no better way, in my opinion to get free business and sales training, than joining a successful team. For, usually, just the cost of the product you use and love, you can get professional training. I use essential oils, because I care about natural health options for my family. The team I’m under is amazing! Feel free to message me for more information.
My mission is to help other people get unstuck from toxic, and narcissistic relationships, and to heal from the residual pain. If you need more support, schedule a call with me.
