Break the bond for good and protect yourself from future trauma bonds with these tips.
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A trauma bond is a bond that forms between a victim of abuse, and their abuser, when a cycle of abuse is followed by kind or loving behavior by the abuser. The abuse can be emotional, verbal, mental, or physical.
This cycle causes confusion in the victim. “Does this person love me or hate me?” Usually this cycle starts slowly, with a period of love bombing, and then gradual discard. Meaning, the abuser makes the victim feel like they are deeply cared for, which can last weeks or months. Then slowly, the abuser begins criticizing the victim’s appearance, behavior, or feelings.
Then, there’s usually a large, painful incident of some sort, making the victim feel very unloved. The victim may even choose to break off the relationship.
This is when the abuser swoops back in with the loving, attentive behavior that the relationship started with. They may promise exciting life events for the future, like marriage, buying a house together, creating a family, or making a big move. There is often a power imbalance between the abuser and victim, as well, like the abuser makes more money, or appears to have a certain status (a boss, a community leader, older age, high level of education, celebrity, etc.).
On some level, you understand that this relationship is not good for you, but you feel drawn to this person in a way that you can’t explain.
When I was trauma bonded to my ex, it felt like I couldn’t get away, no matter how much I realized consciously that he wasn’t good for me. My kids, my family members and my friends told me that they could tell things weren’t great, and I should leave. But, I felt this pull to stay, even though his painful words and behaviors were hurting me more than anyone else ever had. Somehow, I believed him when he said he loved me and he was my greatest supporter.
The words were beautiful, and inspiring. However, the actions told a different story. He woke me up many nights to argue, raging at me for hours, when the next day, I had to get up to take care of kids, the household chores, and teach school. It was exhausting, but, for a long time, I believed him when he told me it was my fault. I could do a better job of not spending money, I could do a better job backing him up with the kids, I could show more appreciation for him.
Eventually, I broke that trauma bond. I’ll share how I did it below, but I came to realize that yes, I could always improve, but he wasn’t doing the basic things a partner does in a relationship. He wasn’t making me feel safe around him. He wasn’t attempting to repair the harm that was done by his hurtful actions.
I was walking on eggshells, watching for the slightest sign that he was about to blow. How is his mood today? Is he smiling? Does he look angry? Did he set his coffee cup down a little harder than normal? He shut that door kind of hard, does that mean I’m about to have a really bad day?
I didn’t trust my ex with my feelings. Sometimes, he would be thoughtful and loving, usually when it meant standing up for me against others, but many times, he would watch me cry and add to my suffering by blaming me or accusing me for something, or he would continue to yell at me, even when I was obviously distraught.
In the end, a trauma bond feels like resignation. I will never get out of this relationship because this person holds a certain power over me. This power could have to do with financial stuff, with children, with community status, physical power (they will just come after me if I leave), an emotional hold, or by whittling away so much at your internal sense of self, that you no longer have any confidence.
Sometimes, there’s a glimmer of hope that this person does love you after all, that they are totally devoted to you. They say something so sweet, or they do something so generous. And the cycle starts again, usually much shorter every time. Inside, you feel broken. There is an undercurrent of depression that this is the best you could ever hope for your life to be.
It took years, but I broke the trauma bond with my ex, finally. I was able to walk away, without remorse. Here are the five things that helped the most;
- Education about abuse – I started reading everything I could find on difficult relationships and toxic personalities. I learned the patterns that arguments followed in a toxic relationship. I learned what to watch for when your partner was not willing to change their hurtful behavior. I educated myself on the hurtful behaviors that personality disordered partners used to keep you stuck. This was one of the first books I read. The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans.
- Self-care – I took tiny baby steps to start taking care of myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It started with creating a morning routine. I woke up at 5:00 am, when the house was peaceful and quiet. That took some practice, but I came to love my early morning solitude, where I did yoga, meditated, read self-help books, and journaled. I also prioritized sleep, and began eating healthier.
- Support – I got the help of a therapist, a few coaches, and a 12-step program for codependency. Between all of these supports, I realized I was not broken. I have many great qualities, and there are people out there who love and support me, no matter what. I could spend more of my time with the people who make me feel good about myself.
- Values – I hadn’t thought about my values throughout my last two relationships. I lost sight of them completely, until I sat down one day and wrote them out. This came as a suggestion from one of my coaches, and it was so helpful. Honesty was at the top of my list when I carefully decided what was most important to me. Why, then, did I let the person who supposedly loved me so much, lie to me so often? Why did I lie to him? I did it to preserve my sense of safety, but that wasn’t in my values. How could I continue in a relationship that violated my core values?
- Purpose – I put thought into my purpose. I love to help people. That has always been important to me. It became increasingly hard to help others, when I was always under tremendous stress from my toxic relationship. When I took action towards living out my purpose in a meaningful way, getting a coaching certification, working with a wellness company, and defining who I wanted to help in the future, I began to grow in confidence. I knew my life had meaning beyond one relationship that was hurting me.
Not everyone gets into a trauma bond with an abusive person. It depends on how significant the relationship is to your health and safety. It also depends on the severity of the abuse. For example, in a situation where a person experiences a criminal event, such as kidnapping, or robbery, there would need to be a longer period of time where they are dependent on this person for food, water or shelter, and other basic needs. You can see that in a long-term relationship where you also depend on your partner for your emotional well-being, these other needs for living would be easier for the abuser to manipulate over time.
The severity of the abuse is another factor that contributes to a trauma bond. Like, in the robbery scenario, if the person never feared for their life, a trauma bond may not form. In a long-term relationship, if the partner is only abusive on rare occasions, or if the victim were surrounded by other loving, supportive people, a trauma bond may not form. There are many factors that determine if a trauma bond actually forms. You can strengthen your ability to avoid future trauma bonds with the steps above, as well.
If you have ended up in a trauma bond in your relationship, know that it is not your fault. Your reaction to the abuse is a response by your brain as an attempt to keep you safe. At some point, you learned that if you could appease your abuser, they would not hurt you as deeply. This response could have even been ingrained in you during childhood, as a way to get your basic needs met by a caregiver, and this trait carried over into adulthood.
Or, maybe, you just happened to meet up with a really skilled manipulator, who has been honing their craft since an early age, coercing others with bullying tactics most of their life.
Whatever the reason, there is nothing wrong with you. This is a natural response to trauma. You have the ability to break this bond, but you will probably need outside support, as mentioned above in the five steps. Don’t feel ashamed about the position you are in, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
**If you feel like you are in danger for any reason, reach out to your local authorities, a local women’s shelter, or thehotline.org
*Lori Moulton is not a doctor or licensed counselor. This information is for entertainment purposes only.
If you would like support for getting unstuck from your toxic relationship, schedule a one on one session here.
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