How relationships with narcissists and toxic people make you lose yourself.

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No One Listened To You

No one listened to you as a kid.  That’s one possible reason why you forgot what you like. Or, maybe your childhood was idyllic, but no one listened to you as an adult at work, with friendships, or with your partner.  Over time, you finally gave up trying to have your wishes and desires fulfilled.  

As kids, some of us grew up in households where the parents made all the decisions.  Our home was more like a dictatorship where you were told what to wear, what to eat, what extracurricular activities you would participate in, and even who you could be friends with.  Some of us may have even had addiction, or verbal and emotional abuse in the home, which taught us to keep our mouths quiet, in order to keep the peace.  That set you up for a lifetime of ignoring your own wants and needs.  

Some people are blindsided by toxic or narcissistic relationships, never growing up around people like this, therefore keeping them from recognizing red flags.  They assume everyone thinks like them.  If you grew up with a sheltered childhood, maybe in a small town, or within a deeply connected community, you may not have been exposed to toxic personalities, therefore you never knew to beware of such people in adulthood.  

No matter how you were raised, when you were introduced to a narcissist, or toxic person, you began losing your ability to make choices for yourself.  The toxic person either criticized your decisions, or gave you a look of disapproval that let you know your choice was not a good one.  Subconsciously, or even consciously, you began deferring to this person to help you make decisions.  You would watch for their approving glance, only to hear something like, “I like you better in red, than blue.”, or “That’s not really a great job that you’re applying for.  It doesn’t pay that well, and you’ll never get ahead in your career.”

When someone that you want to please, and whom you want to love you, says something like that, you internalize it, and change your decision, unless you have a strong sense of self, and strong boundaries.  

You Don’t Have Boundaries

It’s possible that you forgot what you like, because you don’t have boundaries.  When you were a child, if you had a parent that stepped over your boundaries, you learned that it was safer, and life was more peaceful if you relaxed your boundaries.  After all, being abandoned by a parent was dangerous to your survival.  If you stood strong in your boundaries, you were punished often, or given the silent treatment.  So, you did the things your parents wanted you to do, and you liked the things your parents told you were okay to like.

Something Took Over Your Thoughts

Maybe, you didn’t grow up with a toxic person, or have a narcissistic partner, but something else took over your thoughts.  That could be anything from parenting, work commitments, school, an illness, or even a child with disabilities, or addictions.  Worry and stress can distract us from spending time caring for ourselves.  

As an Adult, You Forgot What You Like

As a result of growing up in a home with a narcissist or toxic person, or having a narcissistic partner, or some other type of stress, as an adult, you forgot what you like.  Are you a “Poller”?  Do you have to take a poll of everyone around you before you can make a decision?  This seems especially true for women, who love to get the opinions of their friends, but it becomes a problem when you feel stuck in indecision, or you need someone else to help you decide.

It’s frustrating for your friends and family when you can’t make a decision.  Most healthy people don’t want to decide for you.  However, the narcissist, or the toxic person, loves to make decisions for you.  They love the sense of power it gives them.  If they can control your decisions, then you need them.  You won’t abandon them, or stop giving them attention if you need them, and they crave your attention and admiration.

Here’s the thing about narcissists and toxic people.  They don’t have your best interests at heart.  They have their own best interests at heart.  If it takes attention away from them when you wear blue, because you look great in blue, they don’t want you wearing blue, so they’ll say you look better in red.  If taking that job in another city makes them lose a little control over you, they will say taking that job is not a good decision, and they will give criticisms.  

How can you tell if they are not being genuine?  

Something you once thought was exciting, now seems not so great.  You felt confident in that blue sweater, but now you’re thinking, “Yeah, maybe blue is not great with my complexion.  I do kind of like red.”, and you’re feeling a little disappointed.  “I was so excited about that job, and moving to a new city, but maybe it is too far away, and maybe they don’t pay enough.”  Pay attention to your mood and feelings.  When joy and excitement turn to disappointment and dread, you know you are going against your true desires.

A healthy person will encourage you to do the things you love, and they will push you to do the things that excite you.  They will give love and support when you try new things.

Find What You Like Again

There are a few ways to discover what you like again.  When you were a kid, you didn’t care so much about what other people think.  You were a dreamer, if you had that opportunity.  

What did you love to do when you were ten years old?  You are probably interested in the same things still, or something related.  For example, I loved playing school.  I would line up my stuffed animals, and write on my chalkboard.  I ended up being a teacher for years, and now a coach, which is just another form of teaching. 

What gives you a full body yes?  Get someone you trust to ask you some this or that questions.   “Do you like red or blue?”  “Would you rather visit the ocean or the mountains?” Have this person ask you 20 or so questions.  Pay attention to the feelings in your body.  Did you have a full body yes, like you were leaning in towards one option, or did you feel a no, like you were leaning away?  You may even make some sounds, like, “Eww”, or “Ohhh!”

What do you envy in others?  When you are envious of others, that’s a sign that something about what they are doing, is something you want, and are capable of having or doing.  Are you jealous of your neighbor’s white Toyota Highlander? You can figure out a way to have one too.  Do you wish you could work a remote job, in a less stressful environment?  That’s something you can figure out how to do, too.  Make a list of people and things you are envious of.  Figure out what it is you like about them.

Another quick way to figure out things you like is to make a Pinterest board.  Then, scroll through the photos that come into your feed pretty quickly.  Save anything to this board that intrigues you, or make you slow your scroll.  Look through the photos after you’ve saved 20 or so.  Delete anything you don’t want to keep, and then go back and add some more whenever you have a few free minutes.  Let these photos be inspiration for home decor, vacations, clothing, job ideas, life purpose, cities to live in, etc.

It just takes a little effort, and exploration, but you can find what you like again.  Say “Yes!” to invitations, try a class, visit a new city or country, or heck, even another part of your own city, and remember, if you don’t like something, you don’t have to do it again. Make a list of things you do like, and keep those things in your life.  Toxic people dictated what you did or didn’t do in the first part of your life, but now you are an adult, and you get to choose.

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