When You Wake Up to Narcissism, You Go Through a Grieving Process

You go through all the stages, just like a death has occurred.

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Once you wake up to narcissism in your loved one, you go through a grieving process, just like if it were an actual death. It is a death, in a way. It is the death of the person you thought you were with, the death of the person you hoped to be by this time, and the death of the old you, the one who believed everyone was good deep down.

I spoke with a client today, who said, “It’s awful, because now I see how he is trying to manipulate me. I used to believe what he said, and come to his defense when other people were supposedly doing him wrong. Now, I know it is just more lies. I know it won’t do any good to confront him. I actually don’t feel like I have anywhere to turn with my family and friends. They either don’t see it, or they tell me how stupid I am to keep putting up with it.”

I remember feeling that way too. When I learned about DARVO, a term introduced by Jennifer Freyd, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, I could see it in every single argument with the narcissist. First, they deny they did anything wrong. Then, they turn things around on you, attacking you for something you did, and they act like the victim of that action.

For example, if I said “You told me you were going to make an effort to rebuild your relationship with my kids, but today you didn’t say anything to them while they were here.” My ex would say something like, “I wanted to join the conversation, but you were talking to them about things I know nothing about. I didn’t feel welcome in that conversation.” I would defend myself, and then things would escalate until he was the one storming off, giving me the silent treatment for days.

It got to where I could pick out every stage of the argument. “Oh, there’s the denial. Yep, now here comes the attack. Now, he’s playing the victim.”

Once you wake up to the narcissism in your partner, the grieving begins.

The Stages of Grief in a Narcissistic Relationship

In a narcissistic relationship, the stages of grief are very similar to an actual death. The stages start with awareness, then you move into denial, depression, anxiety, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. These stages don’t necessarily happen in that order, and you may repeat certain stages.

I feel like a person with a narcissistic partner probably goes through some of these stages with every cycle of abuse. Each time you experience the rage, the lying, the silent treatment, the contol, etc., you make excuses for them, which is denial, or maybe you try to do a better job at cleaning the house, which is a form of bargaining, for example.

Once you wake up to the narcissism, and you understand that your partner probably won’t change, the acceptance part of grieving begins. That’s not to say that you won’t still go through the other stages at different times throughout the remainder of the relationship, and perhaps even beyond.

Up until the awakening, you have hope that your partner will change like he says he will. But, once you come to the realization that this person is possibly narcissistic, you understand that there is not much hope for real intimacy or true love, because this person is not capable of those things.

There’s No Chance For Intimacy or True Love

The chances that someone high in narcissistic traits will change are very slim. First, a narcissist has to be willing to change. Even if they say they are willing, most narcissists do not have the desire or capacity to do the inner work required to change. Secondly, if this person does begin the work to change, it will take years of dedication to therapy, with an expert trained in narcissism.

Most narcissists refuse to get help. They simply think the problem is not them. It’s you. If they do agree to get help, they may attend one or two sessions of therapy, before they decide that the therapist doesn’t know what he is talking about.

Without serious rehabilitation, there is no chance that you will experience real love with this person, because they are not able to feel true intimacy and connection with anyone. You grieve the person you thought they were in the beginning, or the fantasy of the great partner you made up in your head.

You Grieve Your Past Belief in the Goodness in Everyone

Once upon a time, you believed that down deep, everyone was good in some way. You know there are terrible people in the world, but not the people you love and care about.

Now that you know there’s a narcissist in your life, who only pretended to love you, and has used you for years, you are skeptical of everyone’s motives. You wish you could go back to that happy-go-lucky person who believed in true love.

Or, maybe you think there is such a thing as true love, just not for you. You’re the one who is not worthy. It takes a lot of deep work to dig your way out of this low self-esteem you’ve been left with after narcissistic abuse.

You Grieve the Years You’ve Lost

Not only do you grieve the loss of hope for a loving relationship, you grieve the years you’ve lost, hoping this person would make some changes to get back to the loving person they seemed to be in the beginning.

You’ve lost years that you could have spent focusing on your children, and other loved ones, because you were too busy walking on eggshells, trying to make sure the narcissist didn’t go into a rage, or punish you for a “mistake” you or the kids made.

You grieve the years you lost with your career, or your life goals. The stress kept you from putting any attention on these areas of your life.

You may have even lost years of building your credit and your savings, because the narcissist destroyed those by overspending, or keeping you from being able to earn money and advance in your career.

You Grieve the You That You Thought You Would Be By Now

Back in your younger years, you dreamed of being in a happy, healthy marriage, with kids, a house, and maybe a dog. Retirement would be you and your spouse living a beautiful life, traveling to extraordinary places, and cherishing your time together.

Now, that dream is gone. You are broke, looking at divorce (if not already divorced), and having to start over with building your savings and credit.

You thought you would be further along by now, getting ready to slow down a little.

The Grieving Process is Important, But It’s Not Forever

It’s okay to grieve all of these things. It’s an important part of the healing process, but this phase won’t last forever. Each person’s grieving process lasts for a different amount of time. The important thing is not to get stuck here.

How do you move through this process? First, by allowing all the negative feelings to come through. Process those feelings with someone who understands what you are going through, like a coach, a therapist, or a group program.

Surround yourself with supportive people. There are most likely a few people in your life that are a positive influence, and have always been there for you. Spend more time with them, and find more supportive people by taking a class, joining a class at the gym, beginning a hobby, or finding a job you love. You could join a church group, volunteer for a cause you love, or joining a book club, for a few examples.

Most of all, allow plenty of time for self-care. Take some time every day to spend time in peace and quiet, doing something that makes you feel good. Watch a show that comforts you, listen to a comedy skit, take a yoga class, meditate, or whatever else you enjoy.

The final stage of grief is acceptance, so once you wake up to narcissism, and accept that the chances of your partner changing are almost zero, you are on the way to moving through the grief.

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