From narcissistic bosses, to friends, to family members and romantic partners, I’ve dealt with them all.
I learned about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in my master’s in counseling program. We studied the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) as part of our course study. I had to learn what NPD was, and all of the diagnostic characteristics. At the time, I was recently out of a divorce, and I had some other toxic relationships in my past. Some of the characteristics reminded me of past relationships, but not all of them. Like, maybe the person was grandiose, but didn’t take advantage of others (Looking back, they took advantage of me, but I couldn’t see that at the time.) I’m not qualified to diagnose NPD, only a licensed professional can do that. I stopped short of licensing, and earned a master’s in education for school counseling, however, I have since educated myself a lot. Between reading books, listening to licensed therapists on YouTube and podcasts, along with my personal experience in toxic relationships, I am quite knowledgeable, more than the average person.
I first read, Controlling People, by Patricia Evans years ago. It was given to me by a well-meaning family member, because I was in a difficult relationship. I didn’t think my partner was controlling, but I remember thinking another family member was. Years later, I reread that book. It was helpful, but that led me to another book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, also by Patricia Evans. That one did the trick!
I remember thinking, “Wow! That’s abusive? I’ve heard similar things my whole life. I thought that was normal!” There was one particular story Evans tells at the beginning of the book, where she is at a conference and one of the participants walks by and tells her she reads too much. She explains how that is a judgement. She replies to the man with, “What?”. As he continues to tell her she reads too much, she keeps repeating, “What?”, until he walks away. By saying “What?” to the man, she is setting a boundary, by letting him know that she doesn’t appreciate that statement. It causes him to explain himself.
That story made me so uncomfortable. I’m sure the man was kidding, and trying to start conversation, but does that mean it is okay? I wouldn’t have reacted in the manner she did, but it got me thinking. Why wouldn’t I react that way? Why would I allow a stranger to make a judgement about me?
That was a simple example, but criticism is a form of emotional abuse. It is an unsolicited judgement of who you are, or how you look. I had been dealt much more aggressive criticism than that. Again, I thought it was normal. I grew up with criticism, not just of me, but of everyone else too. I was trained to believe that behavior was okay, and even helpful. (I didn’t understand the difference between solicited and unsolicited advice.)
There were other behaviors in that book that helped me realize several relationships in my life were emotionally, and mentally abusive. I was made to believe my perception of reality was wrong, and someone else needed to tell me how I should think, or that I wasn’t good at the things that were most important to me.
This book was so eye-opening, and made me see how my childhood set me up for future emotional and mental abuse in friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships.
The Narcissist in Your Life, by Julie L. Hall, confirmed to me that I had several narcissists in my life. This book has checklists, and many characteristics with examples. I would say this book is the dictionary for narcissism. It is the most comprehensive book I’ve read on the subject. I recommend this book to everyone that has a toxic relationship in their life.
If you are unsure if you are dealing with true narcissism, or need more information on stonewalling, blame-shifting, devaluation, and other terms, this book will tell you everything you need to know.
We all love to know that we are not alone. We’ve spent years thinking something is wrong with us, and we don’t really fit into this world. Personal stories of narcissism have helped me feel not quite so alone. I love to hear how other people have grown and healed from narcissistic abuse. These books include every element of a great story, mystery, intrigue, climax, a solution to the problem, and the love of secure people.
I came across Gabrielle Stone on TikTok. She shared a video with a little snippet about her ex-husband, with photos of their “picture-perfect” marriage, that ended with him cheating on her for months with someone much younger. She mentioned her book, Eat, Pray, #FML. I was intrigued, so I looked it up and purchased it right away.
This book was an easy read, filled with betrayal, passionate love, and more betrayal. She travels to Europe on her own Eat, Pray, Love adventure. This book was fun, full of travel adventures, stories of European culture, and shockingly selfish men. There was also a really nice man that became part of her story.
Gabrielle’s second book, The Ridiculous Misadventures of a Single Girl, is the follow up to Eat, Pray, #FML. It continues the story of her life, once she returns home from Europe. To me, this book was even better. However, you need the background of the first book for this one to make sense. In this book, she gets closure from her past relationships, and finds a new, safe, secure, boyfriend. Stone struggles with self-worth, and a person with C-PTSD’s need for drama in relationships. We don’t know if she will end up with the healthy guy. She takes a peaceful, soul-searching trip through Asia to find herself, and her own self-love. You’ll find yourself rooting for her happy ending.
The final book I am sharing in this article is by Ingrid Clayton, called Believing Me. Clayton tells the story of her childhood abuse and neglect, as well as her strive to heal for all of her adulthood. She was never beaten, or bruised. To the outside world, her family looked somewhat normal, even happy. But, behind closed doors, there was addiction, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse. Ingrid was the scapegoat, absorbing all the negativity, even though she tried to stay out of everyone’s way. She wished for her mother to see her, and rescue her from her stepfather’s unpredictable behavior, but the rescue never came. Who was worse, her stepfather, who openly ignored, and alternately berated her, or her mother, who just couldn’t be bothered to recognize her pain?
Ingrid finally finds healing and closure, after years of addiction, uncertainty, and floundering in her adult life.
From each of these books, I learned several things that have helped me on my own healing journey from narcissistic abuse. First, I learned that no one is going to save you, but yourself. They can try, but the ultimate responsibility lies on you. No one can make you understand your own worth. That’s an inside job.
Having said that, I learned that even though you are responsible for healing yourself, you can’t do it without the loving support of friends, family, therapists, coaches, and sometimes even strangers. You need someone to point out the characteristics they admire in you, and the things that make you special. The things that are special about us, feel normal to us, even dull, like anyone could be the way we are. But, that’s not true, you are unique, with gifts that are specific to you. The important thing is that you have a supportive, loving, kind group of people that you surround yourself with. You can start with just one person.
The third thing I learned, is that sometimes our biggest lessons come in the most painful ways. Just like Ingrid Clayton, and Gabrielle Stone, I didn’t want to learn my worth by being told over and over that I didn’t quite meet the expectations of the narcissists in my life, but I ended up fighting for my worth. No one can take that away from me now! Like Clayton and Stone, I didn’t want to have to struggle to figure out I didn’t need someone to save me, but now I know how strong I am. I can figure out anything if I have to.
All of these books supported my healing in different ways. I have more books that I recommend, but those will have to wait for another article. Tell me what books have helped you begin healing? I would love to add to my list!
