You won’t know you’re being abused, but you’ll feel confused, or uncomfortable.
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There was a zinger thrown at you in that conversation, but you are confused. Was it on purpose? Or, did your partner really mean well, but their delivery was just off?
Narcissistic, or toxic people have a way of abusing you subtly, so that you don’t always realize it’s happening. In fact, if you try to explain it to another person, it doesn’t even sound that bad. You even convince yourself that it isn’t that bad. I mean, maybe they just don’t have a sense of how hurtful it is, you think.
You and your partner were having a good conversation about your work project, when suddenly, they said, “Why did they give you this project?”, seemingly insinuating that you can’t handle such a job. You say, “What do you mean?”, to which the narcissist replies, “Well, it’s just that you’re not known for your organization skills.”
Now, you’ve gone from excitingly telling your partner about something good that is happening for you, that may lead to further responsibilities at work, and maybe even a promotion, to feeling bad about yourself. Why would they say something like that?
There are a few reasons why a narcissistic person would say something to bring you down in your moment of joy. One is, they feel insecure that something good is happening to you, and not to them. Another is, they feel like they may lose a little bit of control over you if you are succeeding financially, or in other relationships in your life.
Narcissists try to keep up the narrative that they are the best at everything, while at the same time, they feel a deep sense of insecurity. The people in their life that they are closest to, cannot excel over them, or it pokes that inner wound.
We all know the outward signs of abuse, like physical violence, name-calling and sexual abuse, but there are some more subtle signs of abuse that are harder to pinpoint, especially if you have been in a relationship with this person for a long time. Also, if you grew up in a home where some of these more subtler forms of abuse were used, they may seem “normal” to you.
Subtle Signs of Abuse
The word “gaslighting” (making you feel as if you imagined something you really heard or saw, for example), has become very popular lately, so you might recognize that as a subtle sign of abuse, but you might not have thought of the following ten things as abusive. However, they are all used as a sly way to exert control over you.
We all know well-meaning people that do one or two of these things, but what matters is the intention behind them and how often these occur.
- Dog whistling – This is where your partner knows something about an inner insecurity, or they have criticized you for something before. Then, they make a seemingly innocent comment to you or someone else, praising them for this thing that you are deeply insecure about. For example, you’ve struggled recently with weight control, and they comment on your neighbor’s weight. “Amanda, you look amazing! You look so toned. What have you been doing to stay in such great shape?”
- Criticism – When the narcissist tells you that you are not doing something in the right way, or you don’t look good in a certain outfit, you shouldn’t speak a certain way, etc. This is assuming, on the part of the narcissist, that they are better than you, and know how things should be done the right way. (This is different from constructive criticism, which is not meant to demean, but to help you grow.)
- Criticizing other people – This is a calculating way of letting you know that a certain behavior is unacceptable, and will result in the loss of love. “Did you see how John’s wife was talking to our neighbor, Tony, for so long? That is so disrespectful to her husband! He should not put up with that!”
- Comparison – They compare you to another person, typically someone they deem more attractive, more in shape, more successful, sexier, etc. It makes you feel not good enough for their standards.
- Telling you who you are or how you feel – “You are a critical person, always judging others!” or “Why are you so angry?” to which you reply, “What? I’m not angry at all!”, and they say, “Yes, you are! I can see it in your face.”
- Isolation – They move you away from family and friends, or they make it uncomfortable for you to visit family and friends. They do this by making themselves unavailable to watch the kids or pets, or they constantly check up on you during your visits. “I’m just checking to see what time you’re coming home.” “Our son is asking for you.”
- Advice giving – “If I were you, I would ___.” “It would be better if you ___.” “The best way to do __ is to ___.” Unsolicited advice is a subtle form of abuse, because, again, they are assuming they know the best way to do something. It’s possible they do have more experience, but it is demeaning to assume so, and take away the opportunity for the other person to learn (E.g. treating you like a child).
- Withholding affection – If you don’t do something the way the narcissistic person wants, they may withhold all forms of affection, hugging, kissing, holding hands, and sex. You’ll think there is something wrong with the way you look or act.
- Empathic motivation – This is where the narcissistic person uses your own empathy as a weapon against you. They may tell you a sob story from their youth, or a more recent event that makes you feel sorry for them. They say or do something that activates your emotions of sadness or guilt. “You never want to spend time with me. Did I tell you about the time my mother abandoned me at the grocery store as a kid? This feels just like that.”
- Undermining achievements – You want to share the good news about your new promotion at work, or how you successfully fixed the leaking faucet on your own, but the narcissist acts like it’s no big deal, and may even one-up you by telling a story about a time they did something exciting.
- Sarcasm -This is saying the opposite of what they really mean, in a tone that is undermining. For example, your child asks you to help them with a math problem, and the narcissist says, “Oh yeah, ask her for help. She’s a genius at math!”, when he knows math is something that doesn’t always come easy to you.
- Silent treatment – If you grew up in a household where becoming silent after getting angry was the norm, you may think there is nothing wrong with giving the silent treatment, but it is a form of coercive control, because the narcissist is using this tactic to manipulate you into giving them their way.
- Intimidating looks/staring – When you say something the narcissist doesn’t like, they give you a withering look, letting you know that you are about to catch hell if you continue. They may also stare at you in a way that makes you feel self-conscious, and second guess your actions.
- Care taking – When a narcissistic person does something for you over and over that you can do for yourself, they are insinuating that you won’t do it the right way, or they can do it better than you. “Let me load the dishwasher. You go watch TV.” They use care taking as an excuse to gain control over you. For instance, they don’t want you to drive alone to a “dangerous” part of town, so they must drive you themselves.
- Managing finances – This goes along with care taking, in that, they start off saying they are managing finances to “help you out” or to “make things easier on you”, but it ends up as another way to control where you go and what you do. This is one of the ways they keep you stuck in this relationship for years.
- Not giving you the option of saying “No”– Sure, you could say no, but you understand that there are unspoken consequences for doing so, like receiving the silent treatment for days, inciting rage, or the withholding of affection. Eventually you stop saying no altogether, because it’s not worth the problems it will cause.
All of these are subtle forms of abuse, that if you were to try to explain to someone else, they may not understand. “Wow! I would love it if my spouse took over the finances!” When they tell you it’s not so bad, you start to second guess yourself.
You know it feels bad, but you think, “Maybe it’s not so bad after all. There are worse things that could happen. He doesn’t call me names or hit me.” Then, you begin to think you’re the problem. If you were just more grateful, or if you didn’t do the things that annoy them, your relationship could be better. You work on yourself, and try to say things in a better way, but it never seems to help. You end up walking on eggshells, trying to figure out how to keep them in a good mood.
The Narcissist Gets What They Want
Meanwhile, the narcissist is getting exactly what they want. You are doing what they say, and acting how they want you to act, constantly catering to their needs. This subtle abuse continues until you change the way you react.
Each one of these forms of abuse, on their own, do not mean that your partner is a narcissist, but these are sneaky ways narcissists exert control over you. I found myself needing to change a few of these in my own behavior, like giving unwanted advice, or care taking. However, I wasn’t doing it to manipulate, I was doing it because I wanted to be helpful. Narcissists and other toxic people do these things to gain power over you.
These tactics are so sneaky that you won’t know you are being abused for a long time, usually when your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being are suffering.
