These are rules you have to protect your mental, emotional, and physical health.

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The Misconception About Boundaries

Clients and readers often comment that boundaries don’t work with toxic or narcissistic people.  They are right, in a way.  Boundaries don’t keep toxic people from trying to overstep them.  They will push the limit every time.  I was confused about this for a long time, too.  I thought, “What’s the point of trying to set boundaries if they don’t work?  They’ll just do it anyway.”

But, here’s what I’ve learned.  That’s a misconception, because boundaries are not for the toxic person.  They are for you.  Let’s take an example.  You don’t want to be waiting around on this toxic person, sitting at a restaurant, feeling uncomfortable every time the waiter comes by, asking if you are ready to order yet.  Your boundary could be, “I will no longer wait more than 15 minutes for this person.”  Let the person know when you set up a time to meet, that you will not wait longer than 15 minutes, and to please let you know if they will be later than that.  The next time they are later than 15 minutes after your meeting time, you can choose to leave, or go ahead and order your food.

The toxic person will be angry, but you will not feel taken advantage of, which is the goal.  The next time it happens, you can have a more stern consequence, such as, leaving the restaurant and letting them know your time is precious, and you won’t be making plans to meet them again.  

This is just a simple example.  You might not be upset when someone is late for your dinner date, or you might invite other people to go with you to keep you company.  But, there are some things that do bother you.  It is up to you to decide what those are.  Maybe you don’t like to be woken up during the night to argue, or perhaps you don’t like when someone criticizes you in front of others.  Maybe it triggers you when someone drives aggressively.  It might make you fearful when someone rages in anger, yelling over everything you say.

Boundaries are about deciding what behavior you want to allow in your life, and figuring out what you will do when those boundaries get crossed.  

What if the Toxic Person Continues To Cross Your Boundaries, Even When You Follow Up on Consequences?

You’ve set boundaries, and you have followed through with consequences, but the toxic person in your life keeps stomping on your boundaries.  You can count on this happening, so you have to prepare for it.  

Let’s say you set a boundary that you do not want to be woken up during the night to argue, and the toxic person does it anyway.  Your consequence is that you will go sleep in another room.  So, the toxic person follows you, continuing to berate and yell at you.  The next consequence could be to go in the bathroom and lock the door, or get in your car and go to a trusted friend’s home.  If things continue to escalate, you could call the local police. 

 I know this scenario is not ideal, but it does a few things for you.  First, you are defining the behaviors that are okay with you and not okay with you.  In my past, I had never done that.  I just assumed the men in my life had more power, and could control me.  (That comes from my childhood.)  

Second, by planning out your consequences, you gain a sense of power over your own body.   Even if someone steps right over your boundary, you have a better sense of self.   

Third, you become more aware of the people in your life who do not care about your wishes.  When you figure that out, you have more options.  You begin to understand that these people don’t truly love you.  They love the control they have over you.  Otherwise, when you followed through with your first consequence, they would apologize and try to do better.  There will be some of those people in your life, too, who care and want you to be happy. Now you can decide if the people that continually cross your boundaries deserve a place in your life.  You can spend less time with them, or decide to cut contact completely.

And last, if worse comes to worst, and you have to protect yourself through legal means, you will have a record of times you had to take action, by calling the police, or a dated written document where you kept record of times you had to leave your home due to verbal or physical violence.  

Figure Out Your Boundaries

Figure out what boundaries you would like to set, by first thinking about behaviors from others that upset you.  Do you get furious every time your mother criticizes what you are wearing?  Is it super upsetting when your spouse drives with road rage?  Do you hate when the family talks politics over the Christmas table?  Write down all the things you wish you could get out of your life.  

Conversely, write down all the things you wish would happen, like your spouse helping with the yard work, or your parents giving you more notice when they are coming to visit. 

Consequences 

Like I mentioned above, consequences are what you will do when your boundaries are crossed.  They are not meant to be a punishment for the other person.  Consequences are how you will protect your mental, emotional and physical health.  

The other person will be upset, most likely, but if they truly care about you, they will do their best to honor your wishes.  Will they be perfect? No.  Could some of your boundaries be unnecessarily over the top?  Possibly, but that is for you to decide.

Tips for following through with consequences:

-Be consistent.  Think of a child.  If you let your child sleep in your bed one night, it will cause a huge argument every time the thunder gets loud, or they hear a noise outside their window.  They think that if you let them do it once, chances are, you will let them do it again.  

-Communicate your boundary, along with the consequence when necessary, but then follow through, with no second chances.  The toxic person is like my second-graders in my old classroom.  I had to tell them the classroom rules ahead of time.  If I kept asking them to work quietly, with no consequences, they would keep talking and talking as if I never said anything.  The toxic person will say, “You allowed it that one time, why is now so different?”, which will start a whole debate about how you don’t communicate well, or you’re just trying to make them mad.

-Use a calm, confident voice when communicating your boundaries and consequences.  If you explode, you will further escalate the situation.  

-Enlist the support of trusted family members or friends to allow you to come stay with them if necessary.

Know that you have the right to have, and enforce, boundaries as you see fit.  No one else has power over your life.  Boundaries are your rules for the behavior you will allow in your life, to protect your mental, emotional and physical well-being.
*If you feel unsafe or physical violence is a concern, contact local authorities, or thehotline.org for help.*

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