Photo courtesy of Fotostorm for Getty Images
Cathy was just a little girl, when she first recognized that it wasn’t safe to be wrong. Of course, she didn’t realize that her dad and her older sister were the problem. She thought she was the problem. Cathy thought she was just not as smart as her dad and her sister.
Cathy thought she was stupid, because they told her she was stupid. It’s no surprise that she ended up married to a narcissist, who treated her the same way.
Her husband wasn’t so mean in the beginning of their relationship. Cathy didn’t really see this side of him until after they were married.
Her husband did always seem to have the answer to everything, but after they got married, Cathy noticed that he treated her with contempt every time she mentioned an idea for something they were talking about. He would snarl at her, “That’s a stupid idea! Did you even think about ___?”
Cathy slowly stopped speaking up. She was noncommittal on everything from financial decisions to when they would have kids, or where they would live.
It isn’t safe to be wrong in a narcissistic relationship because narcissists have to be right, in order to stay in control. When you are wrong about something, they use this opportunity to prove to you that they know more than you. It becomes an opportunity for them to say, “See? You should always listen to me, because I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
Narcissists will even try to convince you that you are wrong, even if you are right. Here are some ways they make you feel unsafe being wrong (or appearing to be wrong):
- Teasing mercilessly – They say something like, “You really thought that? How could you be so stupid? Hey, ___, did you hear what she said? Can you believe she thought that? Then for months, or even years afterward, they bring up the time you said this “stupid” thing, as a joke.
- Criticizing – They criticize you for thinking a certain thing, or they criticize a decision you made. “Only _____(kind of people) think _____.” “Why would you make an investment decision like that? No wonder you lost money.”
- Ganging up on you – Narcissist: “Did you hear that? Jackie believes the Earth is flat! Can you believe that? (laughing uncontrollably). Person 2: “Do what? Have you been sitting up all night watching idiots on TikTok again?” (also laughing)
- Raging – They get furious over a thought or decision you have. They shoot rapid fire questions at you about how you came up with that idea, and what makes you believe that.
When a narcissistic person treats you in a negative way because you are wrong, or they want you to believe you are wrong, you feel shame. You start to question your own beliefs, and you think, “Maybe I am wrong. Where did I get that idea?”
You feel embarrassed, and stupid. When you are treated so negatively, you begin to keep your mouth shut. Why speak up and subject yourself to such awful treatment? No, it’s better to stay quiet, and let them think what they want.
If you’re really sensitive, you may react to their negative energy, without them having to even say anything. They could give you a look of contempt, or pause and stare at you like you’re crazy. The narcissist may just look at you and laugh. These subtle behaviors send a message without them having to name call or rage.
Narcissists have black or white thinking. You’re either right or wrong. There is no in-between. Most people would think you do possibly have some thoughts that make sense, or they could understand how you came to the decision you made. But in the narcissist’s eyes, if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. They are not open to other opinions.
Narcissists also like to be in control. Consistent with the black or white thinking, only one person can be in control, and that must be them. If they were to agree that you were right about something, that means they lose the upper hand, and that just cannot happen. It would damage their fragile ego.
Most people can admit that someone else is right, and know that doesn’t make themselves less worthy.
Another reason narcissistic people like to find you wrong is because they have a deep insecurity. They project that insecurity onto you, so that they can feel better about themselves.
There are some things you can do when a narcissist tries to shame you. You don’t have to sit back and put up with this abusive behavior.
- Be okay with making mistakes – Everyone makes mistakes. In fact, if you listen to the most successful people in the world talk about how they became successful, they will say they failed often and quickly. That’s how we learn. You can have some pat statements you make when they try to criticize, or call you out. (See number 2,and 3)
- Use the “broken record” technique – I first learned this technique in a discipline class for children. You don’t want to argue with a child, and you don’t want to argue with a narcissist who is acting like a toddler. The “broken record” technique is when you say the same thing over and over, as if you were a record skipping on an old LP album, or a glitch on a recording. “That’s the way I see it. (The narcissist tells you another reason you’re wrong.) That’s the way I see it.” “I can admit when I’m wrong. (The narcissist tells you another reason you’re wrong.) I can admit when I’m wrong.”
- Use the “gray rock” or “yellow rock” method – “Gray rock” is where you say, simple, emotionless, one or two word responses. “Okay.” “Interesting.” “Yellow rock” is when you are friendly, firm, and factual. “I can admit when I’m wrong.” “Maybe you’re right.”
- Walk away – Narcissists won’t usually give in when you use any of these methods. You will probably have to leave the room, run an errand, go for a walk, or do something else to get away. You don’t have to make it a grand gesture, with emotional outbursts. In fact, it’s better if you can stay calm and exit quietly.
- Talk with someone supportive – It can be very hurtful when a narcissistic person shames you, or makes you feel embarrassed. Talk with someone you trust, who feels safe for you to share your feelings with. The narcissist will not be that person. If you were to go back to them later, to try and have a healthy discussion, they will just double down on their original thoughts. That doesn’t feel safe.
Unfortunately, you were right, it isn’t safe to be wrong in a narcissistic relationship. You learned to keep your mouth shut as a form of protection. However, it’s not healthy to keep all these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside yourself.
We tend to isolate ourselves away from the supportive people that allow us to be our authentic selves, because narcissists feel threatened by our healthy relationships. One of the most important things you can do to break out of this narcissistic trauma bond, is to seek out help from others. Find a trusted family member, friend, coach, or therapist that you can confide in.
Cathy got support through coaching sessions with me and through an in-person support group. She also had a friend that had been through a similar situation, and was able to validate her feelings.
