Giving is good, yes, but over giving is not helpful for anyone.
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Giving To Others Is Noble
Giving to others is noble, and makes for a happier life. When you give to others, you feel good, and they feel good. They are also likely to reciprocate in your times of need. Giving is part of building a healthy community. We couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to live on our own, without any aid, comfort, and support from others. Most of us recognize that we also have to participate in aiding others, comforting and supporting others as part of that healthy ecosystem.
However, co-dependents and people-pleasers tend to over give of themselves and their resources to keep other’s happy. It’s actually a form of control (ouch!). They feel the need to keep everyone else happy because then they believe they will have more peace in their lives.
When Giving Becomes a Problem
Giving becomes a problem when you over-give. Over-giving is when you give so much, that you drain your own energy, and other people don’t appreciate the help, or maybe don’t even want help. Perhaps, the help you’re giving is enabling the other person’s destructive behavior. These could be things you do for your coworker, a charity, your child, your spouse, or an elderly parent, for example.
You are over-giving when:
- It’s not your responsibility to take care of – It’s someone else’s responsibility, and by doing it yourself, you are taking away their chance to feel capable and independent.
- It’s crossing a boundary of someone else’s – They’ve asked you not to help.
- It’s crossing your boundary – You do it, even though you said you wouldn’t.
- It’s draining your energy – You want to give, and people are appreciative, but you are getting exhausted.
I see over giving a lot with people that we care about most, our children, our spouses, other family members, and friends. We hate to disappoint them, but if the tables were turned, would you really want the help of someone who resents helping you, or if helping you felt like a burden? What if helping you was going to make them feel run-down and exhausted? You would hate for someone to help you under those circumstances.
Sometimes, we just have poor boundaries, and don’t know when to say “No”.
If your adult child is living at home, and you’re doing their laundry, cooking their meals, and helping them write their resume, that’s too much. This child is now an adult. Adults can take care of themselves. By doing all the things they can do on their own, you are making them feel incapable of doing the basic skills, much less, taking responsibility in a job or caring for a family.
If your child is under the age of 18, then you will need to give them some support, however, my eight-year-old did his own laundry (with a little direction), and my 12-year-old cooked a meal now and then. Once they are able to do some things on their own, your job as a parent is to guide and support them in doing those things independently. Problems arise, like co-dependency, when parents make kids reliant on them.
Maybe it’s your parents that are dependent on you. They call you for money, repairs, or constant companionship. Ask yourself, “Is this something they could do on their own?” or “Can they hire someone to do it for them?”. “Can they join a group or class for extra companionship?”
It’s okay if people get angry when you uphold your boundaries. Their feelings are not your responsibility. You don’t have to be rude, just firm. You are not any good to anyone if you are exhausted and overworked.
When It’s Okay To Give
This is a hard concept for co-dependents and people-pleasers to get, because, most likely, much of your childhood was spent trying to please the adults in your life in order to earn love and acceptance. You may have felt that you had value when you were doing for others.
In spite of what you were taught to believe, healthy relationships are built on mutuality, and your worth as a person has nothing to do with what you give. To build your own healthy relationships, here are some of the times that it is okay to give:
- Someone has asked for your help, and you have the resources, and energy to help them.
- You recognize a need for help, and your offer for help has been accepted.
- It gives you joy to help. It doesn’t feel like a burden.
- You’re helping someone who can’t do it for themselves. (Driving for an elderly person who can no longer drive, helping a small child prepare a plate, or helping a disabled person reach something from a tall shelf, for example.)
- You’re helping a person who mutually gives in return.
I remember a time, when my children were young, that I met another mother with two children the same ages as mine. She was excited about getting the kids together to play. She asked if I could watch her kids for a couple of hours while she went to help her mother with something. I said, “Of course! My kids would love to have a play date.” A couple of weeks later, she needed someone to watch her kids while she ran some errands. She said, “Next time, I will watch your kids.”
I really didn’t mind watching her kids, because it kept my own children occupied, and they loved it. Except, when I called to see if she could watch my kids, it never seemed convenient. She was too busy that day, or didn’t feel well, etc.
She still continued to call me with some emergency or another, wanting me to watch her kids. I felt much less motivated, knowing that she would never be available to return the favor. I felt used. I stopped being available to watch her kids. My home and my family was not a free babysitting service. Slowly, the friendship died. I realized that she only wanted to be friends so that she could use me as her backup sitter.
You may lose relationships too, but who wants to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t value you, and wants to take advantage of your generosity? There are many more lovely people in the world that would love to have a mutual friendship or relationship with you.
Part of self-care is knowing when giving is good, and when you are giving too much of yourself. If you feel exhausted, evaluate where you are giving too much.
Did I leave anything off the list? Comment below.
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