It’s like you speak different languages, and neither one of you is fluent in the other’s language.
When you and the narcissist speak, you assume he is understanding you and you are understanding him. You respond to the narcissist as if he speaks your language, and his communication is valid. However, he’s not even on the same plane as you.
It’s kind of like you both speak a different language. He knows a few phrases in your language, so you go on as if he speaks your language fluently, and vice versa. But, there’s a big difference in what the words mean.
You’ve spent your entire relationship speaking with a language built around mutual respect, honesty, empathy and compromise. When you bring up something hurtful, you’re expecting understanding, and hopefully an apology.
But a narcissistic partner hears “You’re accusing me of being a bad person and I need to defend myself. I must win this argument.”
Here are some other differences in understanding
You’re Trying To Create Understanding
Since you assume you’re speaking the same language, you keep trying to find better words. You’re trying to create understanding with your partner, and he is trying to protect his version of reality.
You explain yourself more carefully. You try choosing a better time to talk, like maybe when he isn’t so angry. You give examples and try to see things from his perspective. But, nothing seems to work.
Your Partner is Trying to Maintain Control
Here you are, trying to make yourself heard and understood by whatever means you can, but your partner is determined not to understand you. Things are working out just fine for him. By keeping you in a state of confusion, and trying so hard to improve things, he feels in control of your emotions.
As long as you’re trying to figure out what is happening, you’re less able to decide what to do about it. You believe you’re working toward the same goal. Occasionally, he seems to understand you, and makes promises to improve.
But, in reality he’s more concerned with avoiding accountability and maintaining control.
These Two Different Realities Keep You Stuck
You think that if you could find a way to communicate how hurt you’ve been, he will finally get it and things will improve. You get so caught up in trying to understand his reality, that you’ve lost touch with your own.
The way forward is to stop trying to make him understand, and to stop trying to understand him. It doesn’t do any good to try to teach someone a language they’re determined not to learn. I love the acronym, JADE. It stands for don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. When you stop doing those four things, you will see your partner in a whole new light. You can observe the many ways he tries to avoid accountability.
Instead of trying to figure him out, put your trust back into your own reality. Trust what you are feeling, and experiencing. You don’t have to defend that to anyone.