At least, not how you hope it will.
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If you find yourself divorcing a narcissist, or someone high on the scale of narcissistic traits, don’t expect co-parenting to be a thing. They will not make it easy on you, even if they do not want custody of the kids, or didn’t help with parenting during the relationship.
Narcissists are people that have no, or very little, empathy. They ignore boundaries, considering themselves to be more knowledgeable and far superior to everyone else. The narcissist’s children are treated as an extension of themselves. They’re like property, that the narcissist owns. They don’t give a lot of thought to the care and well-being of their children, except when it comes to how their children make them appear to the outside world. Do the children make them look like successful, loving parents, by doing well in school, and behaving politely in front of others? If so, they will take all the credit, and accept all the compliments. Otherwise, they don’t pay a lot of attention to the kids.
However, during a divorce, suddenly, getting custody of the kids will become very important to them, because everything to a narcissist comes down to winning or losing. If they do not feel like they are winning the custody battle, then they are losing, and in their mind, that just cannot happen. You are the enemy, and they will fight to the bitter end.
During a divorce, you might see the narcissist threaten to take the kids away from you, threatening to prove you are an unfit parent, or threatening to charge you with parental alienation. Sometimes these are empty threats, but many times the narcissist follows through, especially when they have a lot of money to spend. They can drive women, who often earn less money, or have been a stay at home parent for much of their lives, into bankruptcy. For men with a narcissistic partner, it is often a fight in courts, because it is believable when their partner accuses them of not doing their part in the role of parenting, due to past cultural roles.
I have a male friend whose ex-wife tried to accuse him of not being a present parent, but luckily, he was able to prove that he knew the medications they took, and that he was the one who made and attended all the pediatric appointments. He was the one who bathed them, put them to bed, and got them ready for school every day, while she slept in. He was able to get 50/50 custody.
Be sure you document everything, including who does what to take care of the kids, and all incidents that occur in the presence of the children. Document any emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive incidents that occur in their presence, or directed towards them. Make this list purely factual, with names of those present at the time, and dates. Present this list to your attorney.
Things are much different now, than when I got divorced from the father of my three small children. At that time, the mother usually got the majority of parenting time, unless she could be proved to be unfit. Now, it is pretty standard to split custody 50/50, so don’t let your narcissistic partner convince you that they will be able to sway the court to their side. (There are always exceptions, depending on the state you live in, but for the most part, parents share custody equally.) Because of sharing custody, you will need a detailed parenting plan, that describes the times and days you will switch roles, as well as everything else to do with the children.
The judge and your attorney may try to discourage you from writing a detailed parenting plan, but it is important to iron out all the small details now, so that you don’t have to go back to court for every little thing that comes up in the future.
Here are a few things to consider addressing:
- Where will pick up and drop-off occur
- Will the children be fed when they are dropped off?
- Who will buy the clothes, and where will they stay? Will each parent buy clothes for their own house? Will the clothes go back and forth between the homes, with each parent washing them during their time with the kids?
- How will you handle extensive dental work, like tooth extraction, and braces?
- Who will pay for cell phones, tablets, and other devices, as well as usage?
- Who will pay for the car, and auto insurance when they become of age to drive?
- Who will pay for extracurricular activities, like sports, and band lessons and equipment?
- Will you allow them to keep the kids for the weekend before their vacation, the weekend after their vacation, and the subsequent weekend, if it falls on their usual weekend? (Which means 3 weekends in a row away from you.)
- What time will you exchange the children on holidays? Will the other parent get them for Christmas Eve, and Christmas day until 5:00 pm, or will you exchange them on Christmas morning, for example.
- How will you communicate with your children during their time with the other parent? How often will you allow the other parent to communicate with the children during your time with them?
- Who will pay for childcare/educational expenses, or how will they be split?
- Who will make medical, educational or religious decisions about the children?
The more details you can put in your parenting plan, the better, especially where a narcissist is concerned. That way, when they inevitably ask you to change times, or say they are not paying for something, you can direct them back to the parenting plan.
There will be a day when your narcissistic ex-partner comes to you needing to change a time or date. Don’t give in to these changes, because you will open yourself up to future arguments like, “You did it last time, why can’t you do it this time? You are just trying to make things difficult on me!” Or, “You’re so selfish! Everything has to be about what you want!”, which you know isn’t true, but it still puts you in a place of arguing, or giving in to ease the tension around the kids.
Although my ex didn’t try to take over custody of the kids, he did often try to change the dates and times he was supposed to get the kids. He would push his time for pickup later, and later. He would often suggest weekend changes, but luckily those ended up with me getting my kids more time. My attorney did point out that these changes came at a financial cost to me, because I was buying more food, and other items due to having the kids more often. For me, it was worth the trade, but for you, it may cause more problems. You have to know your own situation.
If you’re not careful, your ex narcissistic partner could be taking complete advantage of you, just like they did in your marriage.
Most parents with a narcissistic ex practice parallel parenting as opposed to co-parenting. Co-parenting is more for healthy parents who can get along amicably, and just had trouble making a romantic relationship work. These parents can talk on the phone without conflict, befriend their partner’s new romantic interest, and be cordial at the children’s sporting events.
Parallel parenting is slightly different. In parallel parenting, the parents do not communicate, except through email, or a parenting app. Interactions are very brief, and matter-of-fact, and are only in reference to the children or their care. There are no shared birthday parties, no joint holiday celebrations, and no fraternization at school events.
Parallel parenting is the better option for those divorcing, or already divorced from a narcissistic, or highly toxic partner. With very minimized contact, you protect your emotions, as well as those of your children. With a detailed parenting plan, there is nothing to argue about, except what the narcissist conjures up. By adopting parallel parenting, you are more likely to exist peacefully in the aftermath of divorce.
